after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Randomize
