it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize