Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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