she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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