Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize