I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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