she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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