she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
