I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize