Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize