i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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