So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
