I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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