i just wanna soil my oats bro
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
