Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
