There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
