Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i've created a new STD.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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