i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
