Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize