Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
