just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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