he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize