I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
