You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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