Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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