I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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