The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
