I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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