I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I need a beard to bite.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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