yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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