i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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