You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
