Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
