Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
