sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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