Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
