Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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