I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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