Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
