just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
