Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
