I wish I could teleport
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
