I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
