I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
