farters have to be the big spoon...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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