i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
