i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
