Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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