Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
