people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
