Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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