I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
