I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize