"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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