Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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