Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
