i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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