margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
