I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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