I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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