when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
