I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
