I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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