sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
not ubering you a puppy
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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