I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
