I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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